Yoji wrote:Here is a seminar you should attend:

--------------------------------------------------------
Due to the growing support for gun control in this nation, Safe Homes, Inc. is proud to announce a free seminar series on Crime and the Gun-Free Home!

Introduction

As part of a continuing public service effort, we are planning a series of seminars aimed at helping the members of anti-gun households prepare for crime, and to cope with its aftermath.

At present, our agenda is incomplete, but we are attempting to assemble a staff of experts who will be able to address the issues in a competent fashion. Times and dates will be announced at a later date. If you are interested in any of the following seminars, please contact us by e-mail at: nogunshere@gunfreehome.com. We'll be glad to help.

Seminar Topics

Preparing Your Home for Burglary/Home Invasion.

Today's burglars are looking for items they can turn to cash readily. The last thing you want to have happen is to have the burglar become frustrated with the quality of merchandise you have to offer. This seminar will let you know how much cash to have on hand, what brands of TVs, VCR, and cameras will provide the criminal with the greatest degree of satisfaction. The seminar will also help you avoid those things, such as safes, locks, and hiding places that really piss burglars off.

Making Your Home Safe for Your Unwanted Guest.

Technically, a burglar is a trespasser on your property. However, recent court judgments have shown you do have a duty to prevent the burglar from unreasonable risk of injury while he/she is in your home. Modeled after OSHA regulations, this seminar will help you identify conditions in your home that could prove risky to the burglar. Remember, he/she will be operating under much stress, and under low light conditions. The last thing you want is to be accused of placing booby-traps. And, actually, could you really live with yourself knowing someone was seriously hurt or killed in your home. Just because a burglar is committing a crime in your home, it does not mean that they deserve death or permanent disability.

Turn the Other Cheek - The Straight Male Homeowner's Guide to Sexual Assault.

There was a time when burglars just wanted valuables. Now, many home invaders seek to humiliate their victims as well. FBI statistics show homosexual rape is becoming quite common during home invasions and other violent crimes. This seminar will help the straight male homeowner survive, and cope with sexual assault. Topics covered will include what sex acts you will be expected to perform on your assailant, and the types of sex acts he will perform on you. Methods on feigning enjoyment, and suppressing the gag reflex will be covered as well. Also, How To Relax Your Sphincter and Enjoy Anal Intercourse.

"Mommy, has Spot Gone to Heaven?"

Pets, unfortunately, are subjected to considerable abuse at the hands of home invaders. Often, children are forced to watch their pets being beaten, disemboweled, or even skinned alive. This seminar will teach parents methods of coping with their kids' grief over the loss of their pet. The theme of this seminar will be that parents must convey the fact that the killer of their pets is not a bad person, but probably an unloved person in need of understanding and sympathy.

"Why Did Those Men Do Those Things to Mommy"

Forced sex has become almost routine during home invasions. Children are often forced to watch their mothers, and even their fathers, have sex with the intruders. This seminar will attempt to help parents explain to their kids what the various sex acts were, and why their parents engaged in these acts with the home invaders.

Don't Forget, They Are Human Beings.

The purpose of this seminar is to help victims erase any anger resulting from their experiences. Victims must realize that their assailants are human beings, and no matter what crimes they have committed, armed violence on the part of the homeowner is unacceptable.

All seminar attendees will receive a free door sign to ensure the highest level of safety during a home invasion. It contains the following text, in bold letters that are easy to read from the street. Perfect for your front door or garage window

NOTICE: THERE ARE NO WEAPONS ON THIS PROPERTY

Be Advised: This home is a gun-free zone. Studies show that gun-free households are 43 times safer than those with guns. Therefore, possession of weapons for any purpose is prohibited on these premises (including possession by police and other law enforcement agents).

If it is your intent to rob this home, please be advised that the occupants are progessive people who understand the social dynamics behind your actions. We know you are a victim of Reaganomics and Newt, and we feel your pain. We know that you are in a life and death struggle to survive. Therefore, we will not resist you, and will cooperate with your every demand.

We know that in your heart you are non-violent and hope that you will not hurt us intentionally. Let's talk; we can get you the counseling you need. Maybe you can join us in our struggle against capitalism, the right to own property, the NRA, and the GOP.

(Please note: this sign also available in pictograms, braille, Ebonics, Spanish, Croatian and Cyrillic.)

Bill of Rights: Void Where Prohibited By Law.

If it saves just one life...enslaving you was worth it.