Originally Posted by mytmouse57

Along the lines of Gary's post on deciphering personals ads, here's some "truth in advertising" for online personals.


Hers:
It’s hard for me to describe myself, but my friends say I’m exciting and passionate. (I’m a raving harpie who can go off without warning.)

I’m looking for an understanding (easily manipulated) man who can share all of life’s ups and downs with me (pay all my bills and put up with my constant nagging.) I’m seeking somebody I can feel incredibly close to (keep on a short leash.)

I believe in standing by my man and forming a true partnership with him (browbeating and wearing him down until he’s got nothing to live for but the occasional scraps I throw him.)

Height: 5’6 (I’m almost as tall as I am wide)
Hair color: Blonde (bleached.)
Eye color: Blue (when they’re not squinched down into angry little slits.)
Body Type: A few (dozen) extra pounds.
Occupation: Public relations/Marketing (night cashier at the dollar store.)
Has kids: Yes (I have a screaming, undisciplined, snot-nosed brood.)
Wants kids: Yes (but I’ll make sure you get stuck changing all the diapers.)
Education: Some college (I once took four credits of online courses from the Florida Institute of Poodle Grooming.)
Marital Status: Widow (He couldn’t take it anymore and killed himself.)

His:
Laid back, fun-loving guy, (lazy bastard), seeks the companionship of a woman who knows how to be herself and have a good time. (I want to have sex and then fall asleep while you get your things, go home and don’t call in the morning.)

I’m looking for a gal who can appreciate me thinking of her (as an easy lay, until something better comes along) and my romantic side (bitch, get me another beer).

I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to settle down (into some seriously meaningless sex), and would love to meet somebody who recognizes the value of the little things (like keeping her mouth shut while I’m watching NASCAR.)

Height 6’2 (when I’m on a step ladder.)
Body type: Athletic (I got this body by lifting 12-ounce beer bottles.)
Hair color: Black (all three of ‘em.)
Eye color: Brown (bloodshot)
Occupation: Other (than hanging out in my Mom’s basement and occasionally pretending to look for a job, not much.)
Has kids: No (Well, at least not any I’ll acknowledge or shell out child support for.)
Wants kids: Yes. (Hey, I’ll say anything to get laid.)
Education: College (I sometimes hang out and get wasted at the frat house down the street.)
Marital status: Divorced (from the idea of taking even a shred of responsibility for my actions.)