Three weeks ago, on August 2, 2008, I was able to marry my partner of four and a half years. We got engaged two years ago, just before I began grad school, and we decided then that we would wait until the summer after I graduated to have the ceremony. At the time, and all through our planning process, we were planning a commitment ceremony. When the CA Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage here we were taken by surprise. But as we talked about the decision on that historic day there was no doubt that we would continue our plans, just with a different name for the ceremony.
We had planned to register as domestic partners on August 2, but instead we got married.
After the ceremony and a way fun honeymoon in Seattle, we returned to our home and continued our life together. My husband continued to prepare for school to start (he's a high school teacher), and I continued to look for a job. In fact, the only thing that is different between how things would have been and how things are, is what kind of paperwork we filed at the county clerk's office. If it had been a domestic partnership, we still would have had the ceremony; we still would be wearing rings; we still would be planning to adopt in a few years; we still would be opening joint bank accounts; we still would be living together and loving each other. So is EVERYTHING the same?
No way.
The big things have all stayed the same, but it's the little things that are different. Simply being able to tell my friends that I got married rather than saying we became domestic partners. (The former being a term that carries an established understanding that represents the true union he and I have; the latter being the semantic equivalent of "gay couple") Introducing him to friends or new acquaintances as my husband rather than as my partner. (More than once, I've had people assume that I meant business partner.)
Those little things have had a much bigger effect on me than I thought they would. I don't feel like I have been given a special right; I feel like I am being treated like a person and as a citizen of equal standing to straight people. There is so much human dignity granted in that simple term "married," and to be allowed to bear such a label, I am truly grateful and overwhelmingly honored.
Since coming out to my very conservative father and mother five years ago, they have had difficulty talking about that part of my life with friends and family. Yet even with all their reservations, they love my husband as a son because they have seen and know how much I love him. At first my father was not going to spend the money to fly from the east coast for our wedding because he saw it as something less than a marriage--he didn't have a clear idea of what a "commitment ceremony" was, thinking it would be a small thing in my life.
But when I was able to explain that we were getting married, he changed his mind, and he and my mother were both there for me. My mother walked me down the aisle, and my father lit my side of the unity candle during the ceremony. Imagine the difference for them, knowing that they can tell people that their son got married this summer rather than their son registered with his domestic partner. It's not just about dignity for same-sex couples, but for their entire families.
I know from talking to him that one of his reservations about coming to my wedding was that it was going to be a gay wedding, and he honestly had NO idea what to expect. I think a lot of people are against gay marriages (in part) because they are such a foreign thing for them, and we fear what we don't know. That's why I've decided to share our wedding photos with those who visit this site. You can see them
here (but be advised that there are a LOT of photos and it may take a while to load). I'm the groom with brown hair and my husband is the blonde one. Our wedding was held at a Lutheran church and was officiated by our pastor. The attendants were a blend of our siblings and friends.
