DETROIT, MI (AP). George W. Bush appeared last night at a potluck supper held by "Right to Life" in an elegant suburb of Detroit, Michigan. During the dinner he was asked by Mrs. Wallace Summerstock to respond to reports being circulated in liberal circles (but carefully avoided by America's heretofore "liberal press") that Mr. Bush had impregnated an underage girl and paid for her to have an abortion in Houston in 1970.

Mr. Bush, appearing somewhat surprised by the hostess' query, responded: "Well, I'm a governor. That's what governors do. We govern. We make decisions." When further pressed for an explanation about whether the abortion had actually occurred, Mr. Bush laughed a bit and said: "Now, I'm not going to get into responding to rumors like this. But I will say that I have not paid for any underage girls to have abortions in 40 years. No, of course, I meant 30 years. Well, let's make that 31 years just to be on the safe side. And I have not done any of that cocaine stuff in 24 years and four months and three days. And I have not been AWOL from the Air Force in going on 28 years now. And I haven't cheated on my lovely wife Laura in -- well, let's just say since before Bill Clinton cheated on his. And, I'm proud to say, it's been quite a while since I danced on top of a bar naked drinking tequila and shaking my ass and dick!"