As anyone who frequents the dark dungeons of the Internets knows, you can meet some real morons online. And Pete Shinn of the pro-life blog "March Together for Life" has got to be in the running for Tit of the Year.

On July 6, Shinn posted an entry to his blog entitled, "Murder without conscience." The post detailed some shockingly callous comments by one Caroline Weber, who, in an article for a well-known national newspaper wrote, "Those pro-life activists made it pretty clear that, unlike me, they actually think abortion is bad and to be avoided. Are they nuts? Abortion is the best! It wasn't until now that I was lucky enough to be pregnant with a child I had no means to support."

Shinn was outraged. "Miss Weber, you have killed your child, which you admit is a baby/human being, intentionally," he wrote. "That does make you an admitted murderer. I'm not going to 'condemn you to hell', I'm going to pray for your forgiveness and for the suffering which you will endure when you realize what you have done. Every baby you see from that moment on is going to wake you up to the realization that you killed your child."

Strong words, and I'm sure Caroline Weber would take them to heart if she read them. Unfortunately she can't read them because, er, she doesn't exist. Surprised? Perhaps I can shed a little more light on the situation by telling you that Shinn introduced Weber in his blog entry as, "Miss Caroline Weber, who wrote an article at The Onion online magazine." He even helpfully provided a link to the original Onion article, which is titled, "I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!"

There's more. Pete's entry received hundreds of comments telling him in no uncertain terms that he was an enormous bonehead (don't bother looking for them on his blog, they're not there any more), so he - quite obviously - felt the need to defend himself.

In Defense No. 1 he wrote, "Needless to say, a few people wanted to let me know that I was a dolt for thinking that her article was real. As a matter of fact, call me a dolt, because in the beginning I really did think it was real. Why? because I meet women like her in the field all the time." Because, you know, there are women everywhere walking around saying "I'm totally psyched about this abortion!" To make his case, Pete cited some random woman that he walked up to and hassled while she was sunbathing in the park. Seriously.

Realizing that Defense No. 1 was a bust, Pete moved on to Defense No. 2, in which he claimed that the fact that educated people know the Onion is a satirical newspaper "proves my point that our children are brainwashed in the public school system." And while that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, Pete did helpfully quote one person who left a comment on his blog, which went like this:

"Color me stunned ... douchebag"

(You'll note that in Defense No. 2 Pete still thinks that "Caroline Weber" is the real author of the Onion article.)

Clearly a change of direction was needed, so Pete launched Defense No. 3, entitled, "Summing up the 'Onion' flap," in which he castigated the "intellectual left" (hey, thanks!) for sending him hate mail (poor baby) and tried to claim that while the Onion piece is indeed satire, they still managed to "slip their agenda" in there. To prove his point he quoted these two sentences:

"The funny thing is, I actually have the pro-life movement to thank for this opportunity. If my HMO wouldn't have bowed to their pressure not to cover oral contraceptives, I never would've gotten pregnant in the first place."

Sure, that's a cheeky dig at the right-wing nutbags who want to ban contraception (yes Pete, that's you.) But I guess Pete didn't want to mention the sentences immediately following that quote:

Then what would I be doing a week from Thursday? I'll tell you what I wouldn't be doing: going to an awesome abortion clinic where I'll be the center of attention from the minute I put my feet up in those stirrups. I wouldn't be looking forward to induced dilation of my cervical opening and suctioning of my uterus, either. And I sure as heck wouldn't get the chance to have a doctor insert a metal instrument into my womb to dislodge tissue from my uterine wall! I seriously cannot wait for all the hemorrhaging and the uterine contractions.

Makes abortion sound just dandy, doesn't it?


Anyway, all of this left Pete no place to go but Defense No. 4:

My article was a joke, which obviously thousands of you didn't get, all the while accusing me of being the stupidest person on the planet.

Oh boy, I guess we were the ones who didn't get the joke! DUHHHHHHH!
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