Defending the Truth

Since Gary keeps asking everyone what the warning signs of abuse are, how a woman can determine whether or not a man is a potential abuser, I thought I'd copy letter for letter from the packet that's given to case helpers, church staff, medical professionals, and law enforcement agencies to hang up for women who suspect they may entering into a potential abusive relationship.

Now, this is WORD FOR WORD, what the information packet tells a woman to look for when considering a personal relationship that may become abusive. And that we inform women of when they ask for help.

Also note, that on this warning list, there is absolutely no mention of whether or not the abuser owns a gun. Simply because, gun ownership isn't a determining factor in whether or not a person will be an abuser. Abuse is world-wide, and since most countries do not allow personal gun ownership, the fact that a gun may/may not be previously present in the relationship can't be figured into whether or not someone is a potential abuser. In fact, the US compared to other countries? Has a lower incident rate of domestic abuse then those countries that prohibit private gun ownerships. The highest rate of abusing being in 3rd world nations, where women aren't granted equal rights under the laws there. In fact, non-US citizen born immigrant women face a higher rate of being abused by their citizen born spouse because of the 3rd world perspective towards women, then their American born counterpart females. Intresting eh? That Gary's supposed mail-order bride is a higher risk of being abused then I am?

The only time a gun is considered within a case of domestic abuse is well after the fact that abuse is occuring within the relationship. A gun only factors in how far/deadly the abuse could potentially esculate into. In otherwords, the abuse is already occuring. But it is more likely to become deadly if a gun is factored into the dynamics of level/severity of abuse. But guns are only one type of weapon that can be/are used in these cases. Knives, crowbars, baseball bats, any object that the abuser can grab the quickest. Knowing if a gun is in the house of a domestic abuse case is more for the welfare of law enforcement/medical emergency assistance then for the woman/children trapped in those situations.

Anyways, on to the information sheet statements:

Many women are interested in ways they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physicallyabusive. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their partners or wives. If a person exhibits 3 or more of the behaviors, there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely it is that he is a batterer. The last four signs on this list are particularly characteristic of men who batter their partners. Sometimes,a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but the behaviors are so exaggerated (e.g. extreeme jealousy over ridiculous things).] Early in the relationship the batterer will try to explain his behavior as signs of love and concern, & the woman may be flattered at first. As time goes on, the behaviors become more severe & serve to control the woman.

Assessment is tricky and never fool-proof. Many batterers may show no signs of abusive tendencies early on in the relationship. This is known as the honeymoon phase of the early start of a relationship. These behaviors may only start to appear once the batterer has established marital ties with their victim or children have resulted from the relationship prior to marriage.

1. JEALOUSY - At the beginning of the relationship, the abuser will always say that his jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. He will question the woman about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, he may call her frequently during the day, drop by unexpectedly, refuse to let her work for fear she'll meet someone, or do strange things like check her car mileage or have friends watch her.

2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR - At first, the batterer will say that this behavior is because he's concerned for the woman's safety, her need to use time well, or her need to make good decisions. He will be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment. He will question her closely about where she went, who she talked to, etc. As time goes on, he may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, or going to church. He may make her ask permission to leave the house or room and he may begin keeping complete control over the household finances.

3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT - Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than 6 months before they were engaged or living together. He comes on like a whirlwind and says things like "You're the only person I could ever talk to" or "I've never loved anybody like this before". He needs someone desperately and will pressure the woman to commit to him.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS - He is very dependent on the woman for all his needs. He expects her to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend. He will say things like "I'm all you need - you're all I need" or "if you love me you would...". The woman is expected to take care of everything for him both emotionally and within the home.

5. ISOLATION - The man tries to cut the woman off from all resources. If she has men friends she is a "whore". If she has women friends she is a "lesbian". If she is close to her family she is "tied to the apron strings". He accuses people who are of support to her of "causing trouble". He may want to live in a particularly rural area without a phone. He may not let her use the car, and he may try to keep her from working or going to school.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR HIS PROBLEMS - If he is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong or is out to get him. He may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on his job. He will tell the woman that she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR HIS FEELINGS - He will tell the woman "you make me mad" "you're hurting me by not doing what I ask" or "I can't help being angry". HE really makes the decisions about what he thinks and feels but will use feelings to manipulate the woman. Harder to catch are his claims that "you make me happy" or "you control how I feel".

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY - This man is easily insulted. He claims his feeling s are "hurt" when he's really very mad, or he takes the slightest setback as a personal attack. He will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened to him, things that are really just part of living; like being asked to work over-time, getting a traffic ticket, being told that something he does is annoying, being asked to help with chores, etc.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN - This is a man who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. He may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (whips a 2 year-old for wetting a diaper) or he may tease children or younger brothers and sisters until they cry. (60% of men who beat the woman they are with also beat their children). He may not want children to eat at the table or expect them to stay in their room during the evening while he is home.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX - This man may like to throw the woman down and hold her during sex; he may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. He is letting her know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He may show little concern about whether or not the woman wants to have sex and/or will use anger or sulking to manipulate her into cooperating. He will say she must stay at home and must obey him in all things - even in things that are criminal in nature. The abuser sees women as inferior to men, more stupid, or unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

11. DR JEKYLL & MR. HYDE - Many women are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood. They report that one minute he's nice and the next he's explosive. Women attribute this to a "mental problem" or insist that he is "crazy". Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

12. * Past Battering - The man may say he has hit women in the past, but they made him do it. The woman may hear stories from relatives or ex-spouses that the man is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with: situational circumstance do not make a person have an abusive personality.

13. * THREATS OF VIOLENCE - This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the woman. "I'll slap your mouth off" "I'll kill you". "I'll break your neck". Most men do NOT threaten their mates but a batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying "everybody says that".

14. * BREAKING/STRIKING OBJECTS - The man will break a woman's cherished possessions as punishment or in an effort to terrorize her. He may also beat tables with fists or throw objects at/near the woman.

15. * ANY FORCE DURING ARGUMENT - The man may hold the woman down, physically restrain her from leaving, push/shove her, or pin her to the wall and say "you're going to listen to me".

Now, considering that list and my own experience of being abused by 2 former spouses and a boyfriend, let's see where they fit into the warning signs....Heck, I'll even include Gary's criteria about whether or not the abuser owned a gun, for the 'humor' of it.

Hubby #1- Him and his family were the poster family of 'Chrisitan America'. Both his grandfathers were deacons of their church, as well as his own father. His paternal grandmother was the church's pianoist, his mother the church treasurerer, and his maternal grandmother church secretary.

The income of the family could be described as blue-blooded income. Although they weren't millionairs, they were more then comfortably wealthy.

From all signs and indications none had ever been in trouble with the law, and ex #1 was your 'All American Upper Crust' citizen. Good home, good job, the best education money could buy, well spoken and well groomed.

By the way? He never owned a gun prior to the relationship or during the relationship. His passions in life (besides his addiction to sex) was playing with his 'knum-chucks' (sp?) and playing D&D. His skill level in using the knum-chucks was having the ability to hit his ownself 9 times out of 10.

Our dating was deffinately under watchful eyes of family and friends the whole time. I was a minor, he was an adult (he was 3 years older then me and had already started college when we met). He did have a couple of affairs while we were dating, but he pushed that off on me saying it was because he was a man and I wasn't putting out. So I was pretty ignorant of his sexual tendencies, as well as since I'd been conditioned as a child that a man was a man...That wasn't so strange for me to swallow when he deemed it 'my fault' for his indescretions.

Out of the 14 warning signs, he showed none of those tendencies. Neither slightly or exaggerated. It was only after we were married, that his true nature came to light. And the abuse he perpetuated was always emotionally, sexually, and mentally. He never hit me, although he beat me down emotionally. And virtually made me his own little sex slave.

Hubby #2- Again, another 'All American Family'. High standing in their community, well off financially, active in church and civic functions.

Also again, pretty much a supervised relationship before we married. I was a single parent, rented out the extra bedroom of my house to friends/family members, so we didn't have much 'alone' time. I was also working 3 jobs to provide for my son and myself, so had little time to engage in activities that would have provided alone time with him.

Also, he had a great job himself. Working for the State, getting full benefits, and would be retiring at age 42 with full pension. He got this job at 17, through the help of a family member who was involved in politics.

Again, ex #2 never had owned a gun nor any other type of weapon. In fact, anyone that did, he considered uncouth and barbaric?

The only thing he did early into the relationship, was #3 in the list of signs that someone could be abusive. It was a whirl-wind relationship. And even before we married, he had already convinced me that we needed to start a family of our own. His reasoning being that he'd lost custody/visitation in a previous relationship and wanted a child to love and raise. Heck, in those early days he spoiled not only me, but my son from my first marriage as well.

Of course, I didn't know that the reason for the rush was because he also fit #12 in the list of warning signs. From what him and his mother told me about that former relationship, it was the female's fault. They didn't disclose to me the fact that the state took away his rights, in return he didn't get charges or jail time for the assualt he'd done to the girl when she was pregnant.

I didn't find out about the cause, till I'd filed for a divorce from him and my attorney discovered it from the background check they did on him. It had occured in another state, so I wouldn't have been able to find out about it without someone telling me directly about it, or having hired an investigator myself?

Boyfriend #1-Now he did own guns. But those guns weren't purchased until after we'd started living together. And the abuse I suffered at his hands, didn't start until after we moved in together, and I discovered he was selling coke. Hence the reason he also had guns. To 'protect himself' from crooked drug dealers/users?

But again, during our dating period, he was a gentleman the whole time. And when the abuse did start, it was gradual and easily put off to 'stress of his being a drug dealer'. It also didn't help that my best friend was a DEA agent and they were doing an investigation on the people he was dealing with. Which I didn't find out about the investigation till I'd moved in with him. To top it off, I was very anti-drug (still am to this day), and we'd fight over him being a dealer and user himself.

The abuse started verbally, moved to sexual, then climaxed into physical violence towards me, with his gun in my mouth and a contract put out on my life if I 'squeeled to the police'. Which I'd done anyway, by providing information, dates, locations, etc. once I'd come to realize what he was doing in regards to drug dealing.

Believe it or not, that contract is still active to this day? Hence the reason I have a carry/conceal license to this day as well and never leave home without it.

I forgot to mention his economic/social status. Let me rectify it now.

He came from a middle-classed rural family. He was raised as a devote, strict Catholic. Heck, he was even an alter boy when he was a kid.

Also, he'd held the same job for 8 years. And I've been told he still works for the same company to this day, which incidentally is only a couple of miles away from where I live. He owned his own home on 15 acres in the country. Had a harley, 3 vehicles, and a boat. He also had livestock and horses, as well as rented out space for people to store hay or board their own horses.

Unfortunately, the list of signs to look for didn't apply to the early stages of any of the relationships. And it wasn't until a permenant relationship had been made with these 3, that it went straight into the 'wheel of power and control' stage.