Capitulation, from A------ to Z
May 20, 2007
MARK STEYN
Are you a fine upstanding member of the Undocumented-American community? That's to say, are you (if
you'll forgive the expression) an illegal immigrant?
Great news! Being illegal is now perfectly legal! Just for being one of the circa 12 million people who
shouldn't be here, you can now be here indefinitely! If you were living and working in America
illegally before Jan. 1, 2007, you're now entitled to one of the new Z-1 "probationary" visas. And your
parents and spouses are entitled to one of the new Z-2 visas, and your children to the new Z-3 visas.
Don't worry: It's not an "amnesty." Every politician in America is opposed to amnesty -- if not the
concept, then at least the word. That's why the visa starts with the letter that's furthest away from
the one "amnesty" begins with. "Z" stands for zellout . . . no, hang on, zurrender or Zapatista, or
some other word way up the other end of the alphabet from "amnesty." But the point is, at a stroke
there will be no more illegal immigrants. Because being illegal means you're now legal.
Unless, of course, you came to America after Jan. 1, 2007, and thus aren't covered by the zamnesty. But
in that case why not apply for the Z-1 anyway? After all, you're here illegally so how would U.S.
Immigration know when you arrived? Especially with 12-15-20 million urgent applications tossed in on
top of what's already a multi-year backlog. They're not exactly going to be doing a lot of in-depth
background checks, especially not for a visa category whose only entry requirement under U.S. law is
that you've broken U.S. law when you entered.
By the way, when I said "came to America," if you're visiting Toronto for a weekend break from Yemen or
Belarus, don't be deterred by the fact that Canada is not technically in America. Why not just head
down to Buffalo and apply for the old Z-1, too? After all, it's not such a stretch to regard every
single person on the planet as a Z-1-in-waiting. This being America, pretty soon -- a court decision
here, a court decision there -- the presumption of every school district and hospital and welfare
administrator will be that they're obliged to treat everyone who walks in through the door as if they
were a Z-1. You zee one, you've zeen 'em all.
As for the notion that dumping a population the size of four mid-size European Union nations into the
lap of America's arthritic "legal immigration" (please, no tittering; apparently, there is still such a
thing) bureaucracy will lead to tougher enforcement and rigorous scrutiny and lots of other
butch-sounding stuff, well, if that were the case, there wouldn't be a problem in the first place. You
can declare that "illegal" now mean "legal" very easily; to mandate that "incompetent" now means
"competent" is a tougher proposition.
But, as John McCain declared, "This is what the legislative process is all about" -- and in the sense
that it's a sloppily drafted bottomless pit of unintended consequences on a potentially cosmic scale
whose sweeping "reforms" will inevitably require even more sweeping reforms of the reforms in a year or
two's time, he's quite right. Also, as Senator McCain says, "This is what bipartisanship is all about."
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