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10-30-2007, 01:19 PM
| #31 (permalink) | |||||||||||||||||||||
| Partisan   Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Los Angeles Gender:  Posts: 9,981 Country: 
 |  DtT Christmas Party FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! > > > > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party > > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party > > Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? > > > > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party > > What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? > > > > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party > > So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? > > > > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party > > People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? > > > > FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party > > Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponics tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! > > > > FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party > > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.  | |||||||||||||||||||||
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10-30-2007, 02:29 PM
| #32 (permalink) | |||||||||||||||||||||
| Council Member   Join Date: May 2007 Location: Wyoming Gender: Posts: 1,766 Country: 
| Eb and Jeb weren't the smartest tools in the shed. But the two redneck brothers were quite handsome -- so when a hot young lady required their help when her car broke down in front of their home way out in the country, she was more than happy to pay them an "extra favor." "Now boys," she said as she pulled two foil packets out of her purse, "You can have your way with me, but you have to put these on." "What's them?" Jeb asked. "They are condoms," the young lady replied. "They are to make sure I don't get pregnant." Two weeks later, Eb and Jeb were sitting out on their front porch. "Eb?" Jeb asked, "Do you really care if'n that sweet young thing from the city gets pregnant?" "Well," Eb replied, "Since I reckon we ain't never gonna see her again... naw... I reckon I don't really give a care if'n she gets pregnant." "Good!" Jeb exclaimed, "Then let's you and me take these Gol-darned condoms off!" If at first you don’t succeed – try, try again and then quit. There’s no sense in making a damned fool of yourself. – W.C. Fields Last edited by mytmouse57; 10-30-2007 at 02:33 PM. | |||||||||||||||||||||
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10-30-2007, 02:40 PM
| #33 (permalink) | |||||||||||||||||||||
| Council Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Wyoming Gender: Posts: 1,766 Country:
| What do you call a deer born without eyes? No-eye deer. What do you call him if he falls asleep standing up? Still no-eye deer. If at first you don’t succeed – try, try again and then quit. There’s no sense in making a damned fool of yourself. – W.C. Fields | |||||||||||||||||||||
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10-31-2007, 02:50 AM
| #34 (permalink) | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| *Premium Member*  Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Pensacola, FL Gender: Posts: 5,235 Country:
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10-31-2007, 02:51 AM
| #35 (permalink) | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| *Premium Member* Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Pensacola, FL Gender: Posts: 5,235 Country:
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10-31-2007, 03:10 AM
| #36 (permalink) | |||||||||||||||||||||
| *Premium Member* Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Pensacola, FL Gender: Posts: 5,235 Country:
| True stories: Back in my late twenties I decided to answer some personal ads for dating some women. Some of the results are quite funny and I will share them with you now. Remember, these are all true. One ad the woman said she was considered attractive. When I met her at the liquor store where she worked, I thought is was a guy at first and I went to the wrong place. I took her out anyway. She was a real classy woman whose favorite passtimes were bowling and fishing. We had dinner at a Red Lobster. For weeks after the date she called my place everyday hoping to snag me. She finally gave up. Another woman called me after I answered her ad. She said she wanted to be upfront with me and told me she just came back from a stint at TPI. Of course, I had no idea what TPI was and asked her. It turned out to be "Tidewater Psyhcriatic Institute." I decided to pass on the date. Finally, another woman had an ad that emphasized "friendship first" as she was utlimately looking for a serious relationship. She didn't want to have sex in the equation early on. I picked her up and she was reasonably attractive. We had a nice dinner and went back to my apartment. Approximately 4 hours after meeting her we were fucking in my bedroom. She stayed the night. We dated a few times after that and the sex was always good. You see the importance of freindship first - even if it only takes 4 hours. | |||||||||||||||||||||
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10-31-2007, 06:21 AM
| #37 (permalink) | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Account Deleted Join Date: Dec 2006 Gender:  Posts: 4,108 Country:
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That is real cute, Mytie. I betcha Gary, Fx and Pen did not get it. roflmbo The second name for the no-eyed deer is actually different than the first. Still being part of his new name! OhDear | ||||||||||||||||||||||
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10-31-2007, 09:02 AM
| #38 (permalink) | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Council Member  Join Date: Jul 2007 Gender: Posts: 1,243 Country:
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Believe it or not, they can. She's only eight months old and has lived in five different places. Her first 'home', a ditch, my next door neighbors house, a friend of hers house, and my house. She's fine when she's around her 'people' but when she has to be put outside, even with the other dogs, she gets stressed and is in a total panic state when she gets to come back in. My vet tells me that she will grow out of it as she gets older and more confident of having a stable home. It took my older lab almost a year to get over his starvation issues and not attack any other dog, or cat, that got near his food bowl. My malamute, who I've had for three years, still won't eat in the kitchen. He won't even take a treat from you in the kitchen. He runs to the opening to the living room and you have to take it there. I don't know what his previous owners did to him before they dumped him, but I would like to get my hands on them! Bother not the cat. For they are sneaky and will piss on thy keyboard. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
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10-31-2007, 09:05 AM
| #39 (permalink) | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Council Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Gender: Posts: 1,243 Country:
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I am looking forward to a much easier menopause though!  Bother not the cat. For they are sneaky and will piss on thy keyboard. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
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10-31-2007, 09:46 AM
| #40 (permalink) | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| Council Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Wyoming Gender: Posts: 1,766 Country:
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If at first you don’t succeed – try, try again and then quit. There’s no sense in making a damned fool of yourself. – W.C. Fields Last edited by mytmouse57; 10-31-2007 at 09:49 AM. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
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