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Today's Wisecracks

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Old 10-29-2007, 11:01 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by garysher View Post
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
...blah, blah, blah...
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
Okay but for the scoundrel to have known his wife would think he was playing golf, he musta already used that same tack before...

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Old 10-29-2007, 11:10 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by garysher View Post
OD Warning - this one is a bit complicated.....
I got it. The cheater man is a terrible terrible TERRIBLE man! He ended up having the cheater woman's very own husband pay for the sex she had with the cheater man! PLUS... the cheater wife did not get to spend the money as she had hoped it would have been hers.
Well she had it coming to her, but the cheater man should be shot!!!

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Old 10-29-2007, 11:12 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by CrazyFlamingos View Post
It is not.
Yeah...I figured as much. But it was senseless besides not funny.

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Old 10-30-2007, 12:07 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catus Felidae View Post
Why the internet is like a penis

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
* Some folks have it, some don't.
* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Good one Catus! Hope all is going well with your health issues.
Old 10-30-2007, 11:42 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Why is it so difficult being a penis?

*Your neighbors are two nuts and an asshole.
*Your best friend is a pussy.
*Your boss expects you to think for him.
*Every time you get too excited, you throw up.
If at first you don’t succeed – try, try again and then quit. There’s no sense in making a damned fool of yourself. – W.C. Fields

Old 10-30-2007, 11:47 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Along the lines of Gary's post on deciphering personals ads, here's some "truth in advertising" for online personals.


Hers:
It’s hard for me to describe myself, but my friends say I’m exciting and passionate. (I’m a raving harpie who can go off without warning.)

 I’m looking for an understanding (easily manipulated) man who can share all of life’s ups and downs with me (pay all my bills and put up with my constant nagging.) I’m seeking somebody I can feel incredibly close to (keep on a short leash.)

 I believe in standing by my man and forming a true partnership with him (browbeating and wearing him down until he’s got nothing to live for but the occasional scraps I throw him.)

 Height: 5’6 (I’m almost as tall as I am wide)
Hair color: Blonde (bleached.)
Eye color: Blue (when they’re not squinched down into angry little slits.)
Body Type: A few (dozen) extra pounds.
Occupation: Public relations/Marketing (night cashier at the dollar store.)
Has kids: Yes (I have a screaming, undisciplined, snot-nosed brood.)
Wants kids: Yes (but I’ll make sure you get stuck changing all the diapers.)
Education: Some college (I once took four credits of online courses from the Florida Institute of Poodle Grooming.)
Marital Status: Widow (He couldn’t take it anymore and killed himself.)

His:
Laid back, fun-loving guy, (lazy bastard), seeks the companionship of a woman who knows how to be herself and have a good time. (I want to have sex and then fall asleep while you get your things, go home and don’t call in the morning.)

 I’m looking for a gal who can appreciate me thinking of her (as an easy lay, until something better comes along) and my romantic side (bitch, get me another beer).

 I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to settle down (into some seriously meaningless sex), and would love to meet somebody who recognizes the value of the little things (like keeping her mouth shut while I’m watching NASCAR.)

 Height 6’2 (when I’m on a step ladder.)
Body type: Athletic (I got this body by lifting 12-ounce beer bottles.)
Hair color: Black (all three of ‘em.)
Eye color: Brown (bloodshot)
Occupation: Other (than hanging out in my Mom’s basement and occasionally pretending to look for a job, not much.)
Has kids: No (Well, at least not any I’ll acknowledge or shell out child support for.)
Wants kids: Yes. (Hey, I’ll say anything to get laid.)
Education: College (I sometimes hang out and get wasted at the frat house down the street.)
Marital status: Divorced (from the idea of taking even a shred of responsibility for my actions.)
If at first you don’t succeed – try, try again and then quit. There’s no sense in making a damned fool of yourself. – W.C. Fields

Last edited by mytmouse57; 10-30-2007 at 11:52 AM.
Old 10-30-2007, 01:05 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pensacola_niceman View Post
Good one Catus! Hope all is going well with your health issues.
So far so good. The changes are pre cancerous, and I'm scheduled for a radical hysterectomy next month.
Bother not the cat. For they are sneaky and will piss on thy keyboard.
Old 10-30-2007, 01:09 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Catus Felidae View Post
So far so good. The changes are pre cancerous, and I'm scheduled for a radical hysterectomy next month.
I hope all goes well for you.
If at first you don’t succeed – try, try again and then quit. There’s no sense in making a damned fool of yourself. – W.C. Fields

Old 10-30-2007, 01:15 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mytmouse57 View Post
I hope all goes well for you.
Thanks. My only real concern at the moment is my quite large, extremely hyperactive spaniel/lab mix. She likes to come into the house at just under the speed of light and launch herself at me like she's been shot out of a cannon. She may have to go live at a friends for a couple of weeks, but since she already has abandonment issues, I hate to do that to her.

Perhaps doggy downers? Puppy Ritalin?
Bother not the cat. For they are sneaky and will piss on thy keyboard.
Old 10-30-2007, 02:10 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catus Felidae View Post
Thanks. My only real concern at the moment is my quite large, extremely hyperactive spaniel/lab mix. She likes to come into the house at just under the speed of light and launch herself at me like she's been shot out of a cannon. She may have to go live at a friends for a couple of weeks, but since she already has abandonment issues, I hate to do that to her.

Perhaps doggy downers? Puppy Ritalin?
Dogs have "abandonment issues"?? Has she seen the doggy shrink??

Are you sure you're not Californian??

The only issues dogs have are eating, pooping and screwing.

If you ever stopped feeding her for 3 days she would abandon you like a shot.
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knowuryder: and I should care what some dullard on a message board thinks about me because why exactly?


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