MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with a woman. . . almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped" The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." MURPHY leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "MURPHY!!! I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" MURPHY replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.
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A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition.
"Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor.

"Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other.

They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man.

"Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?"

"Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas."
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A man walks into a bar, puts his head down on the table, and immediately starts crying.

The bartender sees the man and asks him, “What’s the matter, buddy?”

The man replies, “My wife said she wouldn’t talk to me for a week.”

The bartender responds, “That sounds bad and all but it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

The man lifts his head and says, “Yes it is—today is the last day.”

Those are good... Especially the one about I thought it was gas... Been there... done that... got the skid mark...

haha, jumpers at the door....

Ya'll are bad. In a good way though. ROTFLMAOL!!!

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did
this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:

Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss??

The clerk, politely, and trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk that Vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss??

The clerk responds: Yes, we do.

The poor old lady replies, Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe @#$%inggg ttthingggg offffff??
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A convict escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
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Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farm house and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry. " So, she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, . . .

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

Yep, that I am...Gary's posting elsewhere that I'm stealing jokes...So I'll be happy to share some of the 'bootie' I just 10 finger discounted as well...

One day there were two gays visiting the zoo. They made the rounds of the zoo and soon found themselves outside the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting in the corner of the cage with a huge hard-on.

One guy says to the other 'I wonder what it feels like' ... the other guy says 'There's only one way to find out and that's to touch it'

The guy reaches into the cage and touches the gorilla's hard-on ! Before he can remove his arm the gorilla graps him ... hauls him into the cage ... slams him onto the floor ... jumps on top of him ... and nearly buggers him to death.

Three days later the guy wakes up in a hospital bed. A nurse comes in and says he has a visitor. It's
his buddy. The buddy asks 'Are you hurt?' The bedridden guy says 'HURT!... OF COURSE I'M HURT...HE HASN'T PHONED ... HE HASN'T WRITTEN ...!'
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One day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.
"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.
The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened. Little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot. So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel! I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway! He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"
Little jonny's mom fainted
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A gay guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender " Hey bar tender, do you want to play bar football?" Bar tender says "How do you play?" Gay guy says "You take a shot ,slam it down and pull down your pants and fart for the extra point".

The gay guy starts out and takes a shot,slams it down, and pulled down and farted for the extra point. The Bar tender takes a shot and slams it down, and pulls down his pants and the gay guy sticks his dick in his butt and yelled "BLOCKED!".

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR Stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
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Two Palestinians are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping throughpictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr". "Here's my second son. He's a martyr too!"

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R'! We missed the 'R'!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!"

OD

ROTFLMAOL!!! I love it. Here's a couple for ya...


Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . .
"Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
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Peggy had a little pig!
She kept it fat and plastered;
and when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard!

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill,
And now they have a son.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

All too funny